Buck Fiction

Bucks basketball isn’t the only thing I think about. I mean, it’s definitely the majority of what I think about but I’ve got a partner and a kid that take up at least 10 or even 15% of my brain cells. That other quarter of my daily ponderings is generally consumed by the business of television and film. And this week, cousin, business is a-booming.

Pittclap

Quentin Tarantino released Once Upon a Time in Hollywood this week, his ninth–and allegedly second-to-last–film. While I still haven’t decided if

Thatsabingo

or not, I can use my big brain to break down (some of) the current Bucks roster through the tasty burger grease-smudged lens of Pulp Fiction. (Discretion advised for all links!)

GIANNIS IS JULES WINNFIELD

This one’s easy. Giannis is the charming, ruthless, mean-mugging heart and soul of the Bucks. He’s the most talked about, most quoted, most feared member of the roster just as Jules is for Pulp. Marcellus Wallace might be scarier but he’s the man behind the man, Jules and Giannis are out here on the front lines, getting their hands dirty and putting in work.

When these two aren’t striking fear into the hearts of Bretts everywhere, they’re taste-testing great American dishes like Big Kahuna Burgers or corn dogs or maybe imbibing a tasty beverage like a smoothie.

Plus, this:

His brother’s keeper? Ready to dunk down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger? I know his name is The Freak.

KHRIS MIDDLETON IS VINCENT VEGA

Here we have our BMFer’s quieter, calmer partner-in-crime. So maybe he’s not as flashy or viscerally pleasing as Jules, but Vega is the next most important figure in the film. And I’d definitely trust Middleton with my wife.

And who has been there to save the Bucks from time to time? Just when they’re looking lifeless, OD’d on too much of that Greek good stuff, who snaps them back to life? Who’s shot the Bucks full of adrenaline when they’re lying on the floor of the TD Garden? It’s our man in Amsterdam, Khris Middleton.

THE LOPEZ BROTHERS ARE JODY AND LANCE

Now the Lopez Bros are much harder to squeeze into a Tarantino film than they would be basically any of the Disney classics which is how they get shoe-horned into the drug dealing couple. When Vincent needs to save Mia, Lance comes through. Sure, he can’t find his medical book–I sort of assume Brook could only ever find a comic book at his house–but he provides the adrenaline shot to save Mia. You wouldn’t really count on the burnout heroin dealer to come through but you wouldn’t really count on Brook Lopez to be splashing threes either. Plus, only a married couple could ever possibly bicker and battle in any semblance of a way that the Lopez twins do. I’m sure they love each other but it’s probably just harder for the rest of us to see it sometimes.

ERIC BLEDSODE IS JIMMIE

When poor Phil gets Pollocked all over the interior of the car, who do Jules and Vincent call? If something as unforeseeable as a brain-splattered backseat leaves them without options, they’re going to turn to Jimmie. Is Jimmie perfect? No, no, no, no, a thousand times no. When people look at back at this incredible movie, many think it’d be better off without Jimmie. I HOPE we don’t look back at this team as a masterpiece with one glaring, sore thumb that only shoots 29.3% on catch-and-shoot threes. But…we just might. Maybe Bled at least buys good coffee.

WESLEY MATTHEWS IS BUTCH COOLIDGE

Not that long ago, Wesley Matthews was a hot-ticket free agent. Matthews was supposed to help launch the Mavs back into relevance. He was a contender. He could’ve been a champ but he never was, just like Butch Coolidge. But maybe, just like Butch Coolidge, he’s got one last great fight in him. Maybe they’ve all underestimated him and he’s bet on himself with this veteran’s minimum contract and he’s going to gut the defense like cold steel in Butch’s hands. 

DJ WILSON IS CAPTAIN KOONS

His screen time is short but memorable and fans are unduly obsessed with Christopher Walken’s Captain Koons. All the same holds true for Lanky Smoove. We don’t know a lot about Koons but we know he is a maximum effort guy and a true team player. If I were going to ask anybody on the roster to hide an uncomfortable hunk of metal for two years, Wilson’s my guy.

THANASIS ANTETOKOUNMPO IS FABIENNE

Who’s Fabienne you ask? Well she’s the wife of Butch (Bruce Willis). You know, the one who wants a pot belly and forgets to grab the watch we just asked DJ to store up his Wilson. Also, she’s the least vital, most half-thought out character in the film. Jimmie is cringe-worthy but crucial to the plot. Why is Fabienne even there? We don’t need her, she’s absolutely inessential. I can only assume that part was written and cast as a favor to her sibling in order to keep him happy.

COACH BUD IS THE WOLF

Okay so the Wolf is smoother than nutella and has made a career out of being the prevailing cooler head and I wouldn’t apply either of those descriptions to our beloved Bud. That said, who got the 7th seeded mess cleaned up in record time? When J-Kidd et al left our vehicle in unsightly disarray, what did Bud do? He swooped in, quickly assigned everyone their duties and got everyone out of there before Bonnie/the fans could blow the whole thing up. And if he’s curt with you, it’s because time is a factor.

JON HORST IS MARCELLUS WALLACE

This is the man pulling the strings, the man making the whole thing turn. Without Marcellus Wallace, none of this happens, we don’t have an all-time great movie. Without Horst, we aren’t looking out at the league through an actually open championship window for the first time in forty-odd years. I think Horst still has a move or two to make this season in hopes to get the Good Land to the Promised Land. And I trust he wouldn’t possibly be screwed over in any trades. Afterall, what does Jon Horst look like?

So what about the great unanswerable question Pulp Fiction: what’s in the briefcase? What are Giannis Winnfield and Khris Vega trying to get back to Marcellus Horst? Simple: a championship. That what’s in the briefcase. And what is Giannis going to do after he returns one home? Maybe he’ll just walk the earth, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter though because when he does, the rest of us will be saying one thing:

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